Carlo Rossi Founder's Oak Merlot

Carlo Rossi Founder's Oak. 
Year: Unknown. 
Cost: Free!

Kristina Says: Our first box-wine review to grace this blog, Carlo Rossi has already beat out some bargain-bin bottles by rating "inoffensive."  The box boasts that this is a "fruit-forward" wine.  I am not sure if that is a desirable quality, but I like the way "fruit-forward" sounds like a boardroom buzzword.  This wine is totally shifting some paradigms with a proactive fruit-forward agenda.  You could almost say it is thinking outside the box.  Almost.

I can definitely say I would consume this wine again, especially if it was once again offered to me for free out of the back of a truck.  I can also safely vouch for it as a good base for single-serve microwave spiced wine.

Mike Says: Melville. Bach. Rossi. These are the names we associate with the word "classic", and let me tell you. Rossi is a fucking classic. Although, Rossi is not so much a great American novel classic, Rossi is more of a getting black-out drunk and passing out in your neighbor's broken '72 El Camino classic. If you're too bourgeoisie to sleep in the backseat of a 40 year-old car, maybe Rossi isn't for you. Me? I have a date with a box.

Duck Walk Vineyards--Long Island Chardonnay 2007

Mike says: White wine is for old women and unadventurous gay men. Being neither, this wine is foreign to me. The wine itself was produced on the mythical North Fork of Long Island, a foreign land which I assume is somewhere in Eastern Europe where things don't taste good. This wine doesn't taste very good.

AJ the guest blogger says: All I want to do about this wine is whine. It smells like farts. I hope it makes me drunk. It has a bad aftertaste. D+. I would rather drink a real duck's pee. However, I am going to pour another glass.

Kristina says: This is the last time I give Duck Walk a chance. Even though they are the cheapest in the "Local Wine" section ($6.95) they are not delicious EVER.

Down Under 2009 Cabernet Sauvignon

Mike Says: "Down Under" probably should have stayed from whence it came. Wherever it came from, it brought a watery taste with a kind of bitter finish with it. The label features a koala bear. Perhaps a hint at one of the ingredients? The venerable pop music group Men at Work warn that when dealing with anything from a land down under, you better run, you better take cover. I can't say I disagree with the Men at Work. Take cover from this wine.

Kristina Says: For once, I disagree with Mike. Although at first this wine seemed tart and watery at the same time, by the time Mike finished writing his review I was on to glass #2, which seemed to have opened up a bit, and was less unpleasantly sour. I contend that "Down Under" is a wine like a Vegemite Sandwich - an acquired taste. Also, it benefits greatly from being consumed while watching the music video for "Land Down Under" by Men at Work. At $6.99, I think I might be tempted to buy this bottle again, though it wouldn't be my first choice.

Leese-Fitch 2009 Cabernet Sauvignon

Mike says: Leese-Fitch delivers a pleasant sour bite that finishes nicely. Its the kind of flavor than is difficult to criticize or make smarmy comments about. I'm really at a loss for something to say. I only know how to tear down the inadequate. Confronted with something that is above honest criticism leaves me flustered and ashamed. I blame my harsh upbringing. The only way I can cope is to drink heavily. The Leese-Fitch will do nicely for that.

Kristina says: Leese-Fitch doesn't have a fancy label, but it does have a good name. "Pass the Leese-Fitch" one might say, or "Leese-Fitch me up!" As Mike noted, it has a fine slightly tart bite, and dare I say "oaky undertones"? I rate this wine "Acceptable" and would gladly buy it again, especially as it clocked in at a reasonable $13. And now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some Leese-Fitchin' to do.

P.S. Delicious with a wedge of danish blue.

Special Christmas Edition: Primitivo Primaterra

With Special Guest Reviewer Lisa

Lisa: This wine is reminiscent of my first summer in the Sonoma Valley... oh wait, I've never actually been to the Sonoma Valley. Let me start again. This wine boasts a clean report of booze-soaked grapes, with a gentle aftermath of normal grapes. It truly is chicken in a glass. Once decanted, it is like a taste explosion in your face.


Mike: This wine has a picture of a chicken on the label, but it doesn't taste like chicken at all. Mostly it tastes like wine, so it really should have a picture of wine on it, or at least a drunk chicken. One time I met a drunk chicken . Either that or I got drunk and ate chicken. Whatever, you can't judge me.

Kristina: I wouldn't drink this wine with chicken, but maybe I would drink it with a chicken, who was also drinking the chicken wine. Overall: meh. I think it is a fine wine for chickens, if they can afford the steep 8.99 price tag.

Este 2008

Origin: Spain
Year: 2008
Cork: Synthetic
Price: $8.99

Mike says:
This wine has no taste description on the label from which I can cheat. However it does have a vague repeating depiction of some kind of farm animal. It does not taste like livestock. Mostly it tastes like red wine, with red wine aftertaste. It would pair nicely with red wine. Overall, I rate this wine: "Red Wine."

Kristina says:
As you may be able to discern from the photo, the label of Este is covered in lumpy farm animals. Sheep? Cows? It's hard to say. Similarly, it's hard to tell exactly what is going on in my glass. The back label reveals that Este is "The 6 Grapes Wine" and contains Monastrell, Tempranillo, Syrah, Granacha, Cabernet Sauvignon, and Merlot grapes. It is the hot dog of wines, which results in a not displeasing generic flavor that Mike has described as "Red Wine" and which the Spanish apparently only refer to as "Este" (or "This").

Avalon 2006 Cabernet Suvignon

Cork : real cork
Price: unknown (pulled from the wine rack)

Mike says:
Avalon is the site of some sort of Last Battle or something. I bet there were like five or six Metal bands named Avalon because "Last Battle" is fucking metal. Avalon (the wine) is dry and tasty, neither of which is particularly metal. My final grade is "too classy to drink in the back of an El Camino"

Kristina says:
As usual, Mike has it all wrong. Not about Avalon (the wine) as I agree that it was dry-ish and deliciousy. Camlann is the location of King Arthur and his nephew-son Mordred's last battle. Avalon is the location to which the mortally wounded Arthur withdraws, to wait until Britain needs him once again. At any rate, Avalon (the wine) is definitely something I would seek out if mortally wounded, and a fine place (in my opinion) to spend some time while waiting for a country to need my services once again. I would purchase this wine again (unless it costs more than $9.99 - I can't remember buying it, or how much it actually cost).

Post Script (Mike): "Being Mortally Wounded" is also Fucking Metal.