Our Daily Red Table Wine

Year: 2012
Price: $8.99


Mike says: Our Daily Red features the hand of God instilling life into man. Pretty lofty implication there wine. While the wine has failed to instill life into me, it has instilled an slightly inflated ego, relaxed my social anxiety and increased my confidence around the opposite sex. Hey baby, you come here often?

This wine also eases the pain of rejection.

Guest Blogger Lisa says: So remember that time when Jesus was at that wedding and they ran out of booze and he was all like "That shit is whack, ima go make my own shit you cheap bastards?"  And the head chef or whoever was like "Man, most people get people shit faced on the good stuff and then switch it out to the crap, but you got people shit faced on the crap and saved the good stuff for now, WAY TO SWITCH IT UP JESUS?"  Well I can  say that if Our Daily Red at all resembles Jesus's best efforts of yesteryore I'd be PISSED, and not on the wine.

Kristina says:  Yea though I walk through the aisle of discount wines, I fear no evil, for I have already had Our Daily Red and it is bad. The label boasts several times that this wine is "organic" and even "vegan friendly" (unlike that beef wine I was planning to pick up). I should have known something was up; "organic" and "cheap" are uncommon bedfellows.  Our Daily Red doesn't give any description of what flavors one is supposed to taste or what to pair it with, so let me fill in the blanks: Our Daily Red has sharp overtones of battery acid and a hint of acetone. It would pair well with Domino's pizza, or White Castle sliders.

Deliver us from evil.

Liberty School - 2010 Cabernet Sauvignon

Mike Says: I bought this wine because the wine store display purported that Liberty School received 90 wine points by the Wine Point Distribution Association, or something.  Liberty School is pleasantly tart with a nice finish, but 90 goddamn points? What the shit? When I drink 90 point wine I expect unparalleled euphoria, not mild enjoyment

Money has changed hands, there is no other explanation for a merely decent wine such as this to receive 90 mother fucking wine points. I've never been so outraged in all my life.

Speaking of money changing hands, slap about 12 bucks into the hands of the liquor store and they'll give you Liberty School wine.

Kristina Says: I'm not sure what Mike was expecting from 90 wine points, but I thought it was pretty good for the price. I mean really, a grade of 90 is only barely an A- and I feel this wine is a solid B+/A-. I think Mike needs to go back to Liberty School to relearn Liberty Math.

I would drink this wine again; I think it would pair well with Liberty Cabbage and Freedom Fries.

Rene Barbier Catalunya

Kristina Says: This $10 1.5 liter bottle of blended red wine was dubbed "Catalunya", a blend of Merlot and Tempranillo - a wine type I'd never heard of.  According to Wikipedia, Tempranillo gets its name from the diminutive form of the Spanish word "temprano" meaning "early."  I would not drink this wine early, though it did taste rather "fresh."  Initially purchased to make some wine-braised pork chops, it made a fine second wine after the first bottle of more drinkable wine was consumed.  I rate it the equal of Yellowtail or that wine with the penguin on the bottle, but detract one point for lack of cute animal on the label (a table and chair on the beach?  not cute).

John (guest wine critic #1 says): My first choice at the store (Chimney Rock Cabernet Sauvignon) had no price tag, and I thought we might get a sneaky bargain due to an unknowledgeable store. However a price check showed that it was 7.5 times the price of the wine we ended up with.  The phrase I would use to describe Rene Barbier's Catalunya is "Quantity over Quality."  However, we had no problems finishing off the whole bottle. This wine was not suck.

Mom (guest wine critic #2 says): While this wine claims to hail from ancient terroir, the taste could best be described as "young and raw" thus making the label's claim that it "would go well with pizza" completely apt.  Truly it is a combination of the old world and the new.  If you are looking  for a fresh young wine with robust tannins to accompany your Pizza Hut personal pan pizza, this wine's for you.

Santa Rita 120 Cabernet Sauvignon

Year: 2008
Country: Chile
Cost: $6.99

Mike Says: 120 Cabernet Sauvignon claims to honor 120 patriots who helped lead Chile to independence. I'm not sure if 7 dollar wine is the best way to honor someone. If I were to be honored I'd want to wine to be 50 bucks minimum. I'd be insulted if someone honored me with mere 7 dollar wine. That is an insult and I am insulted. If someone where to insult me so, I'd call them up and hold the phone to my nut sack. "Say hello to your mother, you cheap wine buying dickshit!"

By the way, the wine tastes fine. Especially for being so inexpensive.

Kristina Says: 120 is 17 times the cost of this wine, and that's normally the kind of ratio I'd steer away from in a beverage's cost-to-name ratio.  However, I'd say this wine is easily 1.75 times better (perhaps even twice as good) as the two-for-eight-dollar Gato Negro.  I'd go on about the glorious virtues of the 120 noble Chileans who bravely hid in a wine cellar to somehow free Chile from. . . I don't know who.  Apparently I need to go brush up on Chilean history, and drink another toast to those patriots.

Would buy again.

Paso Creek Cabernet Sauvignon

Year: 2008
Cost: $14.99


Mike says: Despite boasting the word creek in the name, the label is clearly a tree with an owl perched on a branch. This makes zero sense. I don't know what to believe in anymore.

Dadaist label aside Paso Creek is a pretty good wine. Simple and tart, it doesn't put on airs and walk around like it owns the place. What's that you say? That description doesn't make a lot of sense? We'll neither does a tree label on a wine name after a creek! Whoa!

When you're done recovering from your blown mind I'll turn things over to Kristina. I'm gonna go enjoy this wine.


Kristina says: This wine was selected via a rigorous screening process.  First qualification: I liked the label's graphic, a silhouette of an owl in a spooky tree.  Second qualification: upon further inspection, the graphic and name of the wine proved to be embossed or painted or something on there.  This overcame my initial objection to the price,  $4.99 over my intended wine expenditure.  I am glad it did, for this wine may have cost $14.99, but it easily tastes like $17.99 (which means in a restaurant it might set me back $35 or more).  Price aside, this is a solid cab; delicious on its own, or as the back label suggests, with "big food" (I assume this to be the opposite of things like baby corn, cocktail wieners, and those atrocious little hamburgers known as "sliders"). I bet it would taste awesome with one of those giant steaks which is free if you can finish it.

Glass Mountain 2003 Merlot

Mike Says: Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw rocks. People who live in glass houses built on a glass mountain probably shouldn't throw much of anything. Farting is probably a risky activity.

Glass mountain (the wine) didn't throw any rocks or fart in my mouth, so that's cool. Unfortunately the wine didn't do much of anything in my mouth. Things should do things in my mouth. Well most things should do things in my mouth, things like wine.

Glass mountain is inoffensive, but bland; like your grandmother before she drinks too much wine.

Kristina Says: As a child I thoroughly enjoyed the fairy tale "The Princess and the Glass Mountain" which involved a princess forced to sit atop a glass mountain and wait for a suitable suitor to be able to make his way to the top.  While she waited, she threw golden apples down the side of the mountain as gifts to the knight she liked the most, to entice him to keep trying.  I wish someone would toss me a golden apple to entice me to try this wine again.  Upon further reflection, the princess must have been lacking in either the looks or personality department, seeing as how she needed to bribe her potential husband just to keep him from giving up.  As for Glass Mountain The Wine, I no longer remember how many golden apples I shelled out for it, but would not drink again unless it was less than eight apples.

Carlo Rossi Founder's Oak Merlot

Carlo Rossi Founder's Oak. 
Year: Unknown. 
Cost: Free!

Kristina Says: Our first box-wine review to grace this blog, Carlo Rossi has already beat out some bargain-bin bottles by rating "inoffensive."  The box boasts that this is a "fruit-forward" wine.  I am not sure if that is a desirable quality, but I like the way "fruit-forward" sounds like a boardroom buzzword.  This wine is totally shifting some paradigms with a proactive fruit-forward agenda.  You could almost say it is thinking outside the box.  Almost.

I can definitely say I would consume this wine again, especially if it was once again offered to me for free out of the back of a truck.  I can also safely vouch for it as a good base for single-serve microwave spiced wine.

Mike Says: Melville. Bach. Rossi. These are the names we associate with the word "classic", and let me tell you. Rossi is a fucking classic. Although, Rossi is not so much a great American novel classic, Rossi is more of a getting black-out drunk and passing out in your neighbor's broken '72 El Camino classic. If you're too bourgeoisie to sleep in the backseat of a 40 year-old car, maybe Rossi isn't for you. Me? I have a date with a box.

Duck Walk Vineyards--Long Island Chardonnay 2007

Mike says: White wine is for old women and unadventurous gay men. Being neither, this wine is foreign to me. The wine itself was produced on the mythical North Fork of Long Island, a foreign land which I assume is somewhere in Eastern Europe where things don't taste good. This wine doesn't taste very good.

AJ the guest blogger says: All I want to do about this wine is whine. It smells like farts. I hope it makes me drunk. It has a bad aftertaste. D+. I would rather drink a real duck's pee. However, I am going to pour another glass.

Kristina says: This is the last time I give Duck Walk a chance. Even though they are the cheapest in the "Local Wine" section ($6.95) they are not delicious EVER.

Down Under 2009 Cabernet Sauvignon

Mike Says: "Down Under" probably should have stayed from whence it came. Wherever it came from, it brought a watery taste with a kind of bitter finish with it. The label features a koala bear. Perhaps a hint at one of the ingredients? The venerable pop music group Men at Work warn that when dealing with anything from a land down under, you better run, you better take cover. I can't say I disagree with the Men at Work. Take cover from this wine.

Kristina Says: For once, I disagree with Mike. Although at first this wine seemed tart and watery at the same time, by the time Mike finished writing his review I was on to glass #2, which seemed to have opened up a bit, and was less unpleasantly sour. I contend that "Down Under" is a wine like a Vegemite Sandwich - an acquired taste. Also, it benefits greatly from being consumed while watching the music video for "Land Down Under" by Men at Work. At $6.99, I think I might be tempted to buy this bottle again, though it wouldn't be my first choice.

Leese-Fitch 2009 Cabernet Sauvignon

Mike says: Leese-Fitch delivers a pleasant sour bite that finishes nicely. Its the kind of flavor than is difficult to criticize or make smarmy comments about. I'm really at a loss for something to say. I only know how to tear down the inadequate. Confronted with something that is above honest criticism leaves me flustered and ashamed. I blame my harsh upbringing. The only way I can cope is to drink heavily. The Leese-Fitch will do nicely for that.

Kristina says: Leese-Fitch doesn't have a fancy label, but it does have a good name. "Pass the Leese-Fitch" one might say, or "Leese-Fitch me up!" As Mike noted, it has a fine slightly tart bite, and dare I say "oaky undertones"? I rate this wine "Acceptable" and would gladly buy it again, especially as it clocked in at a reasonable $13. And now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some Leese-Fitchin' to do.

P.S. Delicious with a wedge of danish blue.

Special Christmas Edition: Primitivo Primaterra

With Special Guest Reviewer Lisa

Lisa: This wine is reminiscent of my first summer in the Sonoma Valley... oh wait, I've never actually been to the Sonoma Valley. Let me start again. This wine boasts a clean report of booze-soaked grapes, with a gentle aftermath of normal grapes. It truly is chicken in a glass. Once decanted, it is like a taste explosion in your face.


Mike: This wine has a picture of a chicken on the label, but it doesn't taste like chicken at all. Mostly it tastes like wine, so it really should have a picture of wine on it, or at least a drunk chicken. One time I met a drunk chicken . Either that or I got drunk and ate chicken. Whatever, you can't judge me.

Kristina: I wouldn't drink this wine with chicken, but maybe I would drink it with a chicken, who was also drinking the chicken wine. Overall: meh. I think it is a fine wine for chickens, if they can afford the steep 8.99 price tag.

Este 2008

Origin: Spain
Year: 2008
Cork: Synthetic
Price: $8.99

Mike says:
This wine has no taste description on the label from which I can cheat. However it does have a vague repeating depiction of some kind of farm animal. It does not taste like livestock. Mostly it tastes like red wine, with red wine aftertaste. It would pair nicely with red wine. Overall, I rate this wine: "Red Wine."

Kristina says:
As you may be able to discern from the photo, the label of Este is covered in lumpy farm animals. Sheep? Cows? It's hard to say. Similarly, it's hard to tell exactly what is going on in my glass. The back label reveals that Este is "The 6 Grapes Wine" and contains Monastrell, Tempranillo, Syrah, Granacha, Cabernet Sauvignon, and Merlot grapes. It is the hot dog of wines, which results in a not displeasing generic flavor that Mike has described as "Red Wine" and which the Spanish apparently only refer to as "Este" (or "This").

Avalon 2006 Cabernet Suvignon

Cork : real cork
Price: unknown (pulled from the wine rack)

Mike says:
Avalon is the site of some sort of Last Battle or something. I bet there were like five or six Metal bands named Avalon because "Last Battle" is fucking metal. Avalon (the wine) is dry and tasty, neither of which is particularly metal. My final grade is "too classy to drink in the back of an El Camino"

Kristina says:
As usual, Mike has it all wrong. Not about Avalon (the wine) as I agree that it was dry-ish and deliciousy. Camlann is the location of King Arthur and his nephew-son Mordred's last battle. Avalon is the location to which the mortally wounded Arthur withdraws, to wait until Britain needs him once again. At any rate, Avalon (the wine) is definitely something I would seek out if mortally wounded, and a fine place (in my opinion) to spend some time while waiting for a country to need my services once again. I would purchase this wine again (unless it costs more than $9.99 - I can't remember buying it, or how much it actually cost).

Post Script (Mike): "Being Mortally Wounded" is also Fucking Metal.

Markovic Estates Reserve Pinot Noir

Year: 2008
Cork: Synthetic
Alcohol content: 12.5%
Cost: $9.99

Kristina says: I had high hopes for Markovic, based entirely on the label. It said “Reserve” twice on the front and once on the back label. It also had a lot of French on there, boasting “Semi Dry Vin du Pays d’Oc” which I believe translates to something like “Country Wine of Oc.” Now, I don’t know where Oc is, but I have a pretty good idea that it is nowhere I ever want to be. Upon further research, I find that Country Wine is above Table Wine in the French wine ranking system. God help us if we ever accidentally ingest the Vin de Table d’Oc.


Mike says: Seeing as this is a French Wine it seems somehow appropriate to describe it the way a brain-dead American lout might.
Lout Mike say: Nice surrender-wine French, man this wine is so fuckin’ lame. It says it tastes like strawberries and white flowers. How faggy is that? This wine really taste like ass, batteries, and ass, in that order. Am I right? YEAH!


Overall Rating: Twice the cost of Tinsdale and twice as crappy.

Tisdale No listed year (A wine for the ages!) 12.0% alcohol synthetic cork. 2 for $9.99 (a bargain!)

Kristina Says:

Tisdale lured us in from the bargain wines with it’s quality label graphic design (and two for ten dollar price tag). Sadly, you cannot judge a book by its cover and you shouldn’t judge a wine by its label (no matter how often you read about that study where the wine enthusiasts rated cheap wine better when it was served in an expensive-looking bottle). Tisdale claims to have “blackberry and plum” flavors, but tastes more like wine that has been left open on the kitchen table all night after a party, drank only because it would be a shame to pour it down the drain.

Mike Says:

Tisdale is the Kris of red wines, neither dry nor sweet, neither mild, nor strong, and despite its lofty label claims, it is neither blackberry nor plum. However 4 bucks and change for bottle? Sign me up. I’ll say this; Tinsdale is worlds better than the drain cleaner 90% of churches serve at communion. This assessment comes from the school of thought that no flavor is better than bad flavor

Kris 2007 Pinot Grigio - Italy, 12.5 % alcohol, screw top, $7.99

Mike Says:

Kris has almost no flavor but finishes with a pleasant white wine after-taste. Without the after-taste, drinking Kris would be no different than drinking water. Kris is basically not even there. In the highschool of wine, Kris is the wine that you forget is even in the classroom after roll is called. It’s too lame to hang with the cool kids, and too uninteresting to for the jocks to pick on.

Kristina Says:

First of all, let me comment on how very, very odd it is to discuss a wine bearing my own name. I wish I could say “Kris is great” and “Kris is bold” and “Kris is not pathetic in the least.” Unfortunately, I am compelled to agree with Mike: Kris is too lame to hang with the cool kids (just like in real life). That said, I found my namesake to be pretty bland, but drinkable. It would pair well with buttered pasta, cream of wheat, or unflavored gelatin.

Over all we rate this wine: Inoffensive, in that it presented no specific offense.